off-roading

Image by weiglen via Flickr

that is how i would explain my life for the last few years…. off-roading. ive been off track for a while but im recently getting back on. im a person with intense direction but no directional fortitude. contradictory you say? well, welcome to me. im in a constant state of civil war within myself. what do i mean? What i want to do, i want to do sincerely, genuine, and passionately. the problem with me is i want to do everything so much that i end up doing nothing. everything sounds and looks good. im so free-spirited that im almost no good. well i am no good without direction and Jesus would be my compass but when i put away the compass im flapping out in the wind… i think most people figure themselves out in college. i did some of that but i think a lot of my contemplative years has been during my early 30’s.  over the last few years ive let emotions control my life after containing them for most of it… ive always been a late bloomer and im gonna blame it on the fact that i was born prematurely. i mean if i didn’t blame it on something, id have to take credit for it. like maybe it’s cause im lazy and seriously, who wants to do that?!? 

over the last year ive realized i need direction and goals in my life but only within the last few moths have i felt a need to make a change. i want to be a selfless beautiful christian woman (starting on the inside that radiates through to the outside) leaving a mark on everyone that she has contact with… a good mark. i want people to walk away from their time with me and be like i feel like a better person because of her…. not cause of me but because of Jesus in me. i want to live like that every day. not this half pansy christian ive been over the last few years focusing on me and having fun (not saying it’s not ok to have fun and some me time, but that shouldn’t be all i focus on, especially when one wants to save the world). i do think this stretch has been necessary for me to figure out who i am in Jesus but i think i got it. i mean i think i will be figuring myself out for the rest of my life but i know im a Christ follower that loves people, wants to live every day to the fullest with no regrets, lead others to Him, live a life of integrity and defined by compassion, and whole heartedly love unconditionally … always doing what’s right and best for me and others even when it’s not fun or doesn’t feel nice. i hate passivity but i think recently ive gotten it confused with free-spirited which i want to be but with boundaries and purpose… so what does this look like? well keep following me as i figure it out and hopefully Jesus will do a good work in me 😉